


OTP

by brookwrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Cutting, Dan Howell - Freeform, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Depression, Fluff, High School AU, Homophobia, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Phan - Freeform, Phan AU, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Suicide, danisnotonfire - Freeform, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 16:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13104009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookwrites/pseuds/brookwrites
Summary: Dan and Phil are simply friends, but when Phil gets a secret admirer, things get more complicated. After an oblivious Phil finally realizes that the admirer was really Dan, the entire school somehow manages to as well. Can their relationship (or either of them) hold up under the weight of the fact that they’re suddenly the school’s OTP?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will eventually get VERY dark and even teach a lesson. Suicide is involved, I'll warn you now. Warnings will come by chapter.

“You probably do not feel the same, but I simply cannot hold it in any longer. I like you, a lot. From your jet-black fringe to your blue-green eyes with their hint of yellow, to the black Converse on your feet, I admire every inch of you. Despite these wonderful physical features, it’s quite obvious to me that your most admirable trait is your heart. I can only hope this heart is big enough to accept me in it, despite the fact that I cannot yet reveal my identity. I forgive you for my cowardice, but I hope to one day remove the mask I have placed over myself through this note.

Forever yours, 

Your secret admirer.”

Phil read the note to Dan, who sat faking a curious look. “A secret admirer?” 

“Yeah. I found it in my locker. I don’t know who could have left it there.”

“Maybe it’s not really for you? It could have been a mistake.”

“It can’t be. It’s got a detailed description of me, right down to the eyes. How did they even know that?” 

“I don’t know…” Dan immediately regretted going into so much detail. 

“Let’s review what we know. The admirer has been close enough to me to notice every shade of my eyes, and they know my locker number. It could be nearly anyone.” 

Leaning up against the cafeteria wall, Dan let on naivety. “Anyone.” 

“I’ll ask around. I wish our friends knew more girls…” He said, getting up and heading to another table. 

Dan let out a sigh, now alone. He knew Phil was bisexual, but he wished he would open his mind a bit more. He would have been fine with dating a guy, but he for some reason couldn’t comprehend that one liked him. Society had molded him into such a closed-minded person at such a young age that he couldn’t break out of this box. Pulling out his notebook, he transferred all the information he just took in from Phil into a new note. 

“Dearest Philip,

Your cheerful and loving nature continues to entrance me and inspire me to write to you. My trail of cowardice continues, as I shan’t reveal my identity yet. Alas, I will tell you a bit about myself. I am a freshman, the same as you, and I have eyes and hair of chestnut. Most importantly of all, perhaps, I may be closer to you than you think.” Phil looked up from the note he pulled from his locker. “I may be closer to you than you think. What could that mean?” 

“Maybe they’re a friend?” Dan attempted to sound clueless. 

“Oh, that can’t be. You’re my only good friend. Chestnut eyes and hair…” Phil stared into Dan’s chestnut eyes as he spoke. “Who do we know that has chestnut hair and eyes?” 

“I only know myself.”

“I’ll look through last year’s yearbook and try to find some girls with chestnut hair and eyes. I’ll keep you updated!” Phil raced off to find a yearbook, leaving Dan shaking his head. 

“So oblivious…” He smiled at the boy as he ran off down the hallway towards yet another wrong answer. 

The next morning, Dan walked alongside Phil to his locker. “Nothing. I gave a handwriting test to every girl I could find, and none of them matched the notes. I’ve tried every girl in the freshman class. What else is there to do?” He threw open his locker to find another note, opening it up and reading it aloud. 

“Today I shall give you a break from your constant attempts to reveal my identity. Instead, I shall remind you of why I am here in the first place. Philip, you are the sweetest, the most kindhearted boy I know. I have had my eye on you for a long time, but have just now gotten the courage to speak to you, even anonymously. When my identity is finally revealed, you will probably become annoyed with my lack of ability to simply speak up, and I apologize. I care too much for you to risk losing you over something as idiotic as a crush. 

Until I write again, 

Your secret admirer.”

Phil’s face showed pure confusion. “I care too much for you to risk losing you? I’m now confident I must know this girl well. I just can’t think of anyone it could possibly be.” 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually. Or, maybe they won’t be discovered until they really want to. They’re doing a pretty good job of hiding it so far.” 

“You’ve got that right.” Phil sighed as the bell rang for first period. “I’ll see you next period.” Dan headed off to his first class to restlessly wait until he would meet Phil again in his second. 

Phil ran to his locker before second period to get his binder. Opening the creaky door, he found yet another note lying on top of his books. Grabbing his binder, he read it as he walked to second period. 

“Sweetest Philip, 

Oh how oblivious you are. It’s quite adorable, in my opinion. However, your struggles sadden me as well, so I will help you. The reason you haven’t figured out my identity yet is simple: you’ve only searched 50% of the freshman class.”

Phil reached his English classroom and sat down in his desk beside Dan, setting the note on the desk. As he threw his things down, something dawned on Phil. His closed mind had screwed him over yet again. His admirer was correct; he had searched only half of the student population: the female half. Phil’s secret admirer was a boy.


	2. Not So Lovely Notes

The page ripped from the notebook, Phil trying to keep it as quiet as possible. Their English teacher didn’t like them passing notes, but Phil needed to get word to Dan. He scribbled a few words on the torn paper, tossing it to Dan. I figured it out. My secret admirer is a guy. That’s why I couldn’t figure out who he was. He glanced at Dan, who was smiling stupidly at the paper. Confused, he turned back to the front of the classroom, unsure as to why Dan was acting so weird. The paper flew back over to his desk, and he unfolded it.

Who do you think it is? Phil hadn’t really thought about that yet. He attempted to make a list of boys in his grade with chestnut eyes and hair, but Dan was the only person that came to mind. He had to admit, though, Dan had gorgeous features. His distinct cheekbones and cheerful dimples shone when he smiled, and his curly hair bobbed on top of his head as he walked. Dan hated his curly hair, but Phil loved it.

I don’t know. Phil answered the question honestly, tossing the paper back and waiting for a response. Dan scribbled something on the paper, launching it across the aisle back at Phil while he wasn’t looking. Picking up the piece of paper on his desk, Phil found the love note that had been put in his locker before class. He set it down, picking up Dan’s note. Reading his friend’s response, he suddenly recognized the articulate loops in each letter. Scrambling to pick up the other note, he set the two open side by side. His theory had been confirmed: Dan’s handwriting matched that of the love notes. Phil quickly and shakily scrawled his own note on the paper, tossing it back across the aisle. Your handwriting is the same as the love notes. Dan, is it you who’s been giving me those notes?

Phil didn’t take his eyes off the boy as he read the paper. He watched as Dan’s face turned beet red with blush and he picked up his pencil, adding his response. In an unsteady attempt to give the note back to Phil, Dan managed to drop it in the middle of the aisle. The two boys each reached for it, but neither could get it before their teacher did. Snatching the paper out of both of their grips, she grinned.

“What do we have here? Passing notes, you two?”

Each of the two boys jumped to attention, knowing their fate. “Please don’t read it aloud.”

“Trust me, none of us want you to read that out loud!” The two’s helpless pleas helped none, as she unfolded the paper and cleared her throat.

“I figured it out. My secret admirer is a guy?” Taken aback, she glanced over at each of the boys, reading the sentence quizzically. Pulling herself together, she persistently continued with what she decided was the boys’ punishment for passing notes. “That’s why I couldn’t figure out who he was.” She blinked, pursing her lips together. “Which one of you wrote this?”

Trembling, Phil raised his hand. “I did…”

She looked over to Dan. “And you wrote the bits in different handwriting?” He nodded. Looking back at the paper, she cleared her thrust nervously and read until Phil’s last response, at which point she trailed off. Taking in a shaky breath, she read the line. “From Phil: Your handwriting is the same as the love notes. Dan, is it you who’s been giving me those notes?” Before reading the last line, she glanced at Dan with sorrowful eyes. Despite her relentless attempts to punish the boys, the teacher was beginning to feel compassion for what she was sure she’d forced them into. “From Dan: Surprise.” Biting her lip, she exhaled and spoke to Phil. “You can have this back now.” She handed the paper to the boy and turned to rush back to her desk, where she sat silently for the rest of the period. Nobody spoke a word.

Dan was practically running when the bell rang. He was the first one out of the classroom, and by the time Phil reached the doorway, he saw the boy’s chestnut head disappear into the bathroom halfway down the hall. He didn’t want to confront any of the kids, especially Phil. Or at least that’s what Phil thought.

Despite this, Phil decided he had no choice but to follow Dan. He obviously wasn’t okay, and despite all that had gone down over the last few minutes, Dan was his best friend and if he needed support, Phil would be there.

As he made his way down the hallway, the ebony-haired boy realized the effects of what had just gone down. His classmates were, as usual, in clusters on each side of the hallway. In each cluster he passed, he could hear the children whispering about him and Dan, and shushing each other as he passed. He watched as eyes stared into his soul, trying to figure him out. He heard a few “awww"s and a few "fag"s. Ignoring them was impossible. Phil knew the entire school knew about Dan’s crush in him, and they’d only been out of class for a minute.

His walk of shame can to an end as he reached the bathroom. He entered slowly, hearing soft sobs from the handicap stall. There was a figure hunched in its corner. Their black jeans covered their knees, which were curled up to their chest. Phil knocked on the locked stall door. "Dan?”

“Go away Phil. I’m already aware that you hate me now. I don’t need you to lecture me about it.”

Phil’s heart shattered like glass upon hearing his friend in such misery. He didn’t care about his own feelings then. All he cared about was Dan’s. “I don’t hate you, Dan.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be?”

Phil watched the hunched up Dan release his legs from his chest and stand up. The stall door swung open to reveal Dan, his curly hair matted and his chestnut eyes glossy with tears. “I did kinda screw you over.” A small smile crept across his face, his dimples showing slightly.

“That doesn’t matter to me right now. All that matters is that you’re okay.”

“I’m okay if we’re okay.” Dan hesitated. “Are we okay?”

Phil thought on this for a moment. It suddenly dawned on Phil that Dan really had feelings for him. It wasn’t until then that he thought of the impact this would have on their friendship, let alone whether or not he shared these feelings. “I don’t know.”

Dan’s face visibly dropped, and Phil could sense his heart falling to the floor. “I understand if you don’t want to be friends with someone who has a hopeless crush on you.”

Phil smiled kindly at the boy. “Of course I want to be your friend, Dan. I just don’t know of anything more.”

“You’re saying you’re considering something more?” Hope appeared in Dan’s voice, and Phil couldn’t decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He hesitated before eking out his next few words. “I love you, though. You should know that. I’m not going to ditch you over this. I just don’t know what kind of love I have for you.”

The tardy bell rang for their next class. They would both be late, but they didn’t mind. Their friendship was worth one tardy. “I guess we should get to class.” Dan smiled wearily at Phil.

Phil made a spontaneous decision. “Hey. I’ll see you later, okay?” He held his arms out, open for a hug. Smiling, Dan nuzzled his head into Phil’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“Okay.” Phil treasured the boy in his embrace, taking in the lavender scent of his shampoo. Sighing, he felt something. He had a decision to make. Romantic feelings could be difficult to pick out, but when he held Dan in his arms, a majority of the decision’s difficulty alleviated. Phil was happier than he’d been all day, but that wasn’t what convinced him. It was the fact that when he was in Dan’s embrace, he felt like that was where he belonged. Phil felt at home.


	3. Cold and Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mild Homophobia

Dan and Phil trek into the band room a minute apart, launching their backpacks against the back wall an slumping against it. “Rough day?” Phil turns his head as Dan sits down, sighing. 

“Everyone’s either made fun of me, said we were cute, or completely stopped talking to me. It literally hasn’t even been a day.” 

“I’m sorry, Dan. It’s just something we’re going to have to live with.” Phil knew Dan was expecting an answer. He just didn’t know what to say. If he decided to date Dan, the annoyances they’d both experienced all day would only get worse. But he loved Dan. Phil’s mouth opened to speak, but the band director’s opened first. 

“You two! Get up off the floor and get ready!” As they rose, they watched an evil smile like the Grinch’s cross his face. “Look who it is.” He tilted his head, the evil smile remaining. “The first couple of band.” 

“We’re not-” 

“I heard you two have been passing love notes. How cute.” 

“I-” The two didn’t have a chance to plead with him, as he, and then the rest of the band began to whistle Here Comes the Bride. 

“Oh, that wouldn’t really work for you… Now would it?” 

“You’re gonna pay for that one, old man!” Dan lunged forward, attempting to race through the sea of chairs and to the grimacing band director. Phil quickly grabbed both his arms, holding him back. “He’s not worth it.” 

The night was one of their coldest yet. Even in their black uniforms, the members of the marching band nearly froze. The wind blew the harsh air into their unprotected faces, and by the end of the halftime show, they were all shaking. They had a break for the third quarter, so they all split up and went off with their friends. Dan found Phil, bringing him under the bleachers. “I found this place that one week you were sick.” 

Nestled under the seats of the people watching the game was a small clearing, big enough for two people to sit. It was hidden in between the bleachers and the ramp up to them, making it the perfect place for them to wait out the third quarter where it wasn’t as cold. Dan sat down on the freezing concrete and winced, welcoming Phil to sit down with him. 

Phil was skeptical, but he took a seat. The cold pavement burned through his uniform, but he got over it quickly. The two cuddled up to each other, attempting to conserve warmth. “Phil?” Dan said as the quarter was nearing its close. “How do you feel about me?” 

Phil had honestly been dodging the question all day. “I…” He turned to look at Dan. His chestnut eyes were glossy. Dan was unsure if it was from the wind or his own tears. A single curl of hair peered out from his hat. His cold, chapped lips quivered. He was a beautiful sight. “I’m not sure what to tell you, Dan. I don’t think I’m ready to answer yet.” 

“Just tell me how you feel. Nothing has to happen. I just want to know your feelings.” 

The only problem was that Phil truly didn’t know. He loved Dan, but he was still struggling to tell platonic love from romantic love. The hug they shared earlier in the day led him to believe it was romantic, but he couldn’t help but doubt himself. “I still don’t know.”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out.” They both knew the answer, but Phil was once again hesitant. Everything would change. But maybe it was time for a change. Phil took a deep breath and pressed his lips to Dan’s. Freezing a second earlier, Phil was now warm. The warmth of the kiss spread through his whole body, filling him up with happiness. It was as if he didn’t need real heat. Dan’s lips against his own was enough to keep him alive in even subzero temperatures. 

Phil didn’t want to let go. They heard stomps overhead, signaling the return of the rest of the band to their section in the bleachers. He had no choice but to break the connection. As they split, Phil felt the cold wind penetrate his skin again. Yet, a bit of warmth remained deep in his heart. This warmth would last, because it came not with Dan’s touch, but with the knowledge that Dan was his. “Will you go out with me?” 

“Of course I will.” The two linked hands and walked up the bleacher ramp. The cold ran through their skin, but deep in their bodies, only warmth remained.


	4. Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Homophobia, Implied Self-Harm, Jokes about Depression, Suicide, and Self-Harm, Bullying

“What do we do now?” 

After a full weekend, Dan finally asked the question they’d both been thinking. Since their kiss Friday night, they had both assumed they would be a couple, but neither had a clue how to handle this fact. “I don’t know.” 

“Are we going to tell them?” 

Phil chuckled. “I’d think they already know.” 

‘Them’ was the collective student body in their school. In the last few days, Dan and Phil had learned that information spread quite fast in the school. “They don’t know we’re together. We could lie.”

Phil’s face scrunched up into a disgusted frown. Dan knew he didn’t like lying. “I guess that’s an option.” 

“Even you have to accept that it’s the best choice here. If we tell them we’re not together, maybe the badgering will calm down. If they find out we are, it’ll only get worse.” 

Phil sighed. Dan was right, and he knew it. “Okay.” 

“How’s it goin’ there, faggots?” Dan’s head doesn’t even turn as the boy spews words of hate. 

“We’re not dating.” Dan handles the lie for Phil, who’s doing his best to keep a straight face. 

“Oh, so you got rejected?” The two picked up the pace, walking away from the bully. He ran down the hall to catch up and walk beside Dan. “Got rejected, Howell?” Phil tried not to look him in the eye, but the boy got in his face and forced him to make eye contact. “Pity. What a lonely little gaylord.” Dan’s fist balled up at his side, but he calmed himself down, not wanting to give them away. 

“Actually, I didn’t reject him.” Dan’s stomach tensed up, his eyes widening as the boy turned his gaze to Phil. Was he going to tell the bully their secret? “We mutually agreed that dating wasn’t the best idea.” Phil told the boy coolly. Dan was extremely surprised with how easily Phil lied. 

“My ass,” the boy muttered. Dan simply rolled his eyes and pulled Phil away. 

“I didn’t like that.” 

“Well, you’re going to have to get used to it. This is our lives now.” They each sighed. It would be a long four years. 

The bullying went down once word got out that they weren’t together. Dan got much more flak for being “rejected” by Phil, but he got over it because it meant that Phil would be happier. However, he’d still noticed a change in Phil since they’d started dating. Hiding things was always difficult for him, and Dan really didn’t know what to do to help him. All he knew was that things were better now and they couldn’t let the secret get out. 

“I kinda feel bad, you know?” Phil said as they walked down the hallway. “Keeping this from all our friends.” 

“Phil, we don’t have any friends. We’re just keeping it from all the kids we hate.” 

“I still don’t like it.” 

“But would you rather tell everyone?” 

Phil paused before answering. “I don’t know.” 

“Phil, things are much better for you now. We can’t tell anyone.” 

“But they’re worse for you.” 

“I can handle it.” Phil looked around to see a completely empty hallway, and took Dan’s hand, holding it up and looking at the scars on his wrist. “Those are old, Phil.” 

“I know, but sometimes I worry about you.” 

“Trust me, there’s no need.” Dan put a smile on his face. “I’m fine now.” Dan wasn’t sure if he’d ever be truly fine, in all honesty. Thinking back on the darker days of his life still made him shudder. But Phil was making him as close to fine as he could ever get. 

“Look who it is.” Dan tore his hand from Phil’s and they both pivoted around to see the captain of the school’s football team standing a few feet from them. As freshman, Dan was almost surprised that the senior had found out about them. Almost. “Is that a hand hold I see?” 

“No,” Dan said, but before he could explain, Phil mustered up the bravery to do it himself. 

“I was just looking at his hand,” Phil said shakily. The captain grabbed Dan’s hand and examined his wrist. 

“Gaylord’s depressed?” He paused, putting a quizzical expression on his face. “I wouldn’t mind if you killed yourself.” Hurt rushed through Dan’s veins as the brawny footballer was forced up against the wall. Phil was holding the boy to the lockers, seeming to have a sudden rush of adrenaline. 

“That’s my best friend. Never should you say anything like that to him or to anyone else. You got it?” Despite the adrenaline, Phil simply wasn’t as strong as his muscled counterpart. The boy threw him back against the opposite wall, rearing his fist back to attack. Phil cowered against the wall, closing his eyes and preparing for impact as the fist hurdled forward. After feeling nothing, he cautiously opened one eye. The fist paused right in front of his face before retreating. 

“You’re lucky I care enough not to get kicked off the football team.” The captain straightened his varsity jacket and walked off. Dan tackled Phil in a hug, holding him as tightly as he could. The two only separated as the school bell rang and kids flooded down the hallway to head to their first classes. 

“Turns out keeping secrets hurts both emotionally and physically.” 

Both of their faces were grave as they prepared to head separate ways for first period. “It’s okay. It’ll get better.” 

“Promise?” 

“Promise.” Phil steered off into his classroom, leaving Dan to climb the stairs to his own. The promise he just made lingered in his mind. It wasn’t just a promise to Phil; it was a promise to himself.


	5. Old Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Swearing, Arguments, Depression, Heavy Implications of Self-Harm

It was one of the first promises Dan ever broke. He promised Phil and himself that things would get better. But it was beyond Dan’s power to stop it when things got much, much worse.

Dan couldn’t help but notice one day that a group of girls was trailing him and Phil to class one day. He’d seen some of them before, but didn’t know any of them very well. When they’d almost reached the class, Dan turned on his heel. “What are you doing?” 

“Oh, we’re…”

“Nothing…”

“Now… kiss!” 

They all glared at the girl who blew their cover before beginning to chant together. “Kiss, kiss, kiss!” Dan was livid. The pressure was getting to be too much for him. Tension and emotions were both running high, and Dan was one locker slam from snapping. “Kiss, kiss, kiss!” 

“No!” Dan screamed. Heads turned throughout the hallway. Dozens of eyes rested on the seething boy.

“Why not? Don’t you love him?” 

“Of course I- No, we’re not- Ugh! Just leave me alone!” Dan stormed off, leaving Phil with the crazed shippers. 

“Look what you’ve done.” Phil, now angry as well, ran off after him. “Dan?” His chestnut head had already disappeared into the crowd of people in the bustling hallway. Where would Dan go if he was upset? Then it hit Phil. He took off through the crowd, pushing his way through. Finally making it, he took a deep breath before stepping into the boy’s bathroom. “Dan?” Phil looked under the stall where Dan sat when he first thought he’d been rejected. The same black jeans covered the same knees, hunched up to the same chest. Phil crawled under the locked door. 

“I don’t think I can take it anymore,” Dan said, calmer than Phil expected. Tears filled his chestnut eyes. “God, people like them just piss me off!” His voice rose with every syllable. “I get they want us to be together, but can’t they leave us alone for five seconds?” 

“Dan, we are together.” 

“But we can’t tell them that! It will only get worse. Nothing we could possibly do at this point will make anything better.” 

As sad as it made him, Phil could only think of one solution. “Maybe it would stop if we weren’t together…” 

Dan looked at him. “Are you… breaking up with me?” 

“I think it’s the only way.” Tears began to well up in Phil’s eyes.

Rage was surging through Dan’s veins. Phil was the last person he wanted to get mad at, but he was wrong, and Dan couldn’t handle another ounce of ignorance. “No, that’s stupid.” 

“What?”

“That won’t do shit! If we tell them now that we’re not together, it’ll mean the same to them as when we were! Even you’ve turned into a fucking idiot now.” 

Phil’s mouth fell open. “Dan, I think that’s a bit too-”

“No, it’s not. I’m right and you’re wrong. Nothing we can do could possibly make anything better. You know what, just go. You’ve made your decision, just get out. I’d rather be alone right now, just like I am in life.” 

“Dan, I-”

“Out.” 

“Dan…”

“Get out of my life, Phil!” Dan panted, his head down at the floor. 

Phil took a deep breath, tears rolling down both of their cheeks. “Fine.” And Phil was gone. Dan collapsed on the floor again, sobbing. Heartbroken, Dan was empty. He lost all care for the world or anyone in it. Dan didn’t leave the bathroom until the final bell of the day rang. The old scars on his arms were bleeding again.


	6. New Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Major Character Death, Suicide, Depression, Gunshots, Mentions of Blood, Homophobia (including f-slur and "gaylord")

Dan had no emotion. All he wanted was Phil back, but he couldn’t even speak to him. He watched as Phil walked down the hallway, talking and laughing with his new friends. Phil didn’t even give him a glance, and he walked away every time Dan tried to talk to happen. Phil was the last person in the world he actually cared for, and now he was gone just like the rest of them. Dan had no one and nothing left. 

“Faggot!” kids yelled as Dan walked the halls, his eyes glued to his feet. Even Phil’s new friends joined in. Phil didn’t tease him, but he didn’t stop the teasing. Dan still loved him, but he’d obviously broken whatever they had beyond repair. There was no hope left for them, or, for that matter, Dan. 

Dan sat down in his desk beside Phil in English. The two didn’t speak or even make eye contact. Their teacher let them loose to work on their essays, so they simply each paid attention to their own writing. The only difference is that Phil was actually working on the assignment. Dan was busy doing his own thing. It wasn’t like he’d need to turn in the assignment anyway. 

Phil was a bit worried when Dan didn’t show up to English the next day. He was trying to forget about him, but he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. He caught a glimpse of the boy’s chestnut head before class began that morning, so he knew he was at school. He tried to tell himself Dan’s mom just picked him up, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something horrible had happened. 

And that’s when they heard the gunshot. The sound of a bullet leaving its gun rang through the halls, followed by high-pitched screams and the shrill beep of the school’s intercom. “The school is under lockdown. Lock your doors and do not open them for anyone.” And the windows were closed, the door was locked, and the shivering, terrified children were crammed into the corner of the room. 

It was all a blur for Phil. His mind was racing with questions. Would he survive the day? Would everyone else? Was there already someone dead? Would there be more? Sirens drew near and finally stopped. It was silent enough to hear a pin drop. The class could hear the footsteps of who they could only hope was a police officer down the hallway. 

The intercom came on again, and the second before a voice spoke felt like the longest of the students’ lives. “Teachers, you may unlock your doors and return to normal procedures,” a somber voice spoke. “Phil Lester, please report to the main office.” 

All eyes fell on Phil as he slowly stood up. Some looks were suspicious, some concerned, and some sympathetic. None knew what was going on, especially Phil. 

It was the most nervous walk down that hall he’d ever had; it was probably about ten times worse than his first day of high school, and he never thought he’d top that. Only something this terrifying could. When he arrived in the office, he was immediately ushered to the principal’s office, where he sad anxiously before the school’s principal entered, his face pale and a piece of blood-stained loose leaf paper in his hand. Shaking, he held the paper out. Phil took it, his heart dropping as he read. 

Dear Phil,

I’m not sure who else to write to at this point. I don’t even know why I chose you. I should probably just be writing to nobody. I guess I just wanted to give you closure. You’re right beside me, yet I can’t figure out how to talk to you without writing this note. I guess it’s the most hard-hitting way to get a point across. 

Don’t blame yourself. It’s my fault; I fuck everything up: us, my relationship with my family, all my friendships, even my own life. This is probably the only thing I ever did right, if even this worked. But that’s beside the point. Just don’t blame yourself for this. That’s the last thing I’d want. 

Of course I want the best for you. I still love you, Phil. But there’s no chance for us, and there’s no chance for me. I might as well end it before it gets any worse. You weren’t happy with me and I understand why. This, probably. The stress got to me and I yelled at you. I just want you to know I’m not mad at you and I regret every word that came out of my mouth. But since I couldn’t even bring myself to apologize without killing myself, here it is. You were the last person I loved in my life, and you’ll be what I think of as the life drains from my body. If there’s anything in this world I’ll miss, it’s you. But this is for our own good. Go on and live your life without me; you’ll be happier that way. Just know I’ll always love you. 

Goodbye, 

Your secret admirer. 

The page got another stain as Phil’s tears dripped onto the words. He pulled the paper to his chest as the letters began to run down the page, aching to protect all he had left of Dan. “They found it beside him on the bathroom floor,” said the police officer Dan didn’t know snuck into the room. “I’m sorry, but we’re going to need that for evidence.” He reached out for Phil to hand him back the letter, but he wouldn’t let go. It was all he had left. “I get it’s hard, but I need the note, kid.” The officer grabbed the paper, but Phil wouldn’t let him have it. 

“No… No. No!” Phil cried. A tear echoed through the air. Phil fell backwards, half of the paper in his hand. “You tore it!” 

“I-”

“This was the last thing I had of him and you wrecked it!” Phil took the half of the note he had left and ran. He didn’t know where he was going; the bathroom held nothing but blood and bad memories. Police tape lined the halls, so he hadn’t a clue where to go. His mind racing, he ran to a different bathroom, his sobs echoing through the silent halls. Finally reaching the room, he locked himself in a stall and slumped to the floor. The situation was all too familiar; Phil had cried on these floors all too often lately. The only difference was that now he was without Dan. He looked down at the torn paper in his hand. 

He held the top half of Dan’s note. Phil’s eyes focused on a particular line, rereading it. It’s my fault; I fuck everything up. All he could think of is how much he wished he could tell Dan he was wrong. It wasn’t his fault; the stress overwhelmed them both. Dan was simply overtaken with anger and took it out on the wrong person. And Phil didn’t try to fix it. Both of them made stress-induced mistakes, and they just turned out to be fatal. He wished he could turn back the time and make things go differently. But the truth of their reality was inevitable: the pressure was just too much for either of them handle. Dan just happened to be the one that cracked first. If only the peer pressure hadn’t gotten to Phil, he could have stayed with Dan and kept him alive. There were so many things he wanted to change that so many people said or did, but he wasn’t able to, and that was what hurt the most. All he could do now was grieve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sure you need a moment to process that. Yes, this is the last chapter of OTP. And a powerful moral lesson comes with it. If you’re reading this, you probably ship phan. I do too. But something we always need to remember is to keep ourselves in check. I would hope that Dan and Phil have learned to handle us by now, so this isn’t about them; this is about your friends. I’ve shipped my friends before; I’ve been shipped by my friends before. One of the situations in the earlier portion of this fic was based off my own life. I was extremely upset about this ship for months. It even happened for about a month and a half once, and we decided to hide the truth because we didn’t think we could handle the intense shipping if they knew. I would reference this to Dan and Phil, but I’m obviously about 8 years too late for that, so I’m going to give another reminder: Always make sure when shipping real people (your friends, your enemies, your idols, anyone who’s aware that you/others ship them) not to let it get out of hand. You never know what might happen. Thanks for reading.


End file.
